There and Back



A Quarterback Story -by J.Garrison 

 (This is  an interpretation of the “The Hobbit”) 
 (by the late great J.R.R Tolkien)

In a home lived a quarterback.  Not a nasty, dirty, wet home filled with mold and a sewer smell; nor a dry, semi-fung shui home with nothing in it but things to sit on and things to eat.  It was a quarterback-home, and that means comfort.

Jameis Winston lives a modest, peaceful life in his comfortable home just outside Tampa Bay.  Jameis lives in this home because he is a quarterback, with an amazing throwing arm,a gift for football and a great love of good food and drink.  Jameis is quite content in his home,  but one day his comfort is shattered by the arrival of the old wizard Lovie Smith.

Lovie persuades Jameis to set out on an adventure with a group of fifty-two militant Buccaneers.  The Buccaneers are embarking on a great quest to reclaim their treasure from the marauding dragon Tom Brady, and Lovie wants Jameis to act as their “burglar.” Now, some Buccaneers (and their fans) are very skeptical about Lovies’s choice for a burglar, but Lovie assures them that there is more to the little quarterback  than meets the eye. Jameis is
very excited to leave his comfortable life to seek a grand adventure.

Shortly after the group sets out, three hungry trolls – Falcons, Saints, and Panthers – try to divert them off their path. The Buccaneers are waylaid, except for Lovie who manages not to be caught.  Just when Jameis and the Buccaneers worry for their lives, Lovie comes to the rescue and tricks the nocturnal trolls by keeping them awake as the sun rises, whch turns them to stone.

The group gets extremely lucky and finds a great cache of weapons in the trolls’ camp.  Lovie and the Buccaneers captain, Vincent Jackson, take magic swords, and Jameis takes a small sword of his own.  They continue on their journey.  The group finds rests at the elfish stronghold of One Buc Place.  There they receive advice from the great elf lord Malcom Glazer, who is full of wisdom and much gold and jewels.

The Buccaneers and Jameis leave One Buc Place and set out across the Misty Mountains of the NFL.  When they take shelter in a cave during a snowstorm, a group of goblins, called the Vikings of Minnesota, (who live in the caverns beneath the mountain cave) take them prisoner.  Lovie then leads the Buccaneers to a winning passage out of the mountain, but they accidentally leave behind Jameis.

Wandering through the tunnels, Jameis finds a strange golden ring on the ground. He takes the ring and puts it in his pocket.  Soon he encounters a gollum, by the name of Marcus Mariota, a hissing, whining creature who lives in a pool in the caverns, and hunts fish and goblins.  Marcus Mariota wants to eat Jameis, and the two have a contest of riddles to determine Jameis’ fate.  Jameis wins by asking the dubious riddle, “What have I got in my pocket?”

Marcus Mariota still wants to eat Jameis, and he disappears to fetch his magic ring, which turns whoever wears it invisible. The ring, however, is the same one Jameis has already found, and Jameis uses it to escape from Marcus Mariota, as well as flee the caverns where the Vikings of Minnesota live.

Jameis finds a tunnel leading up out of the mountain and discovers that the Buccaneers and Lovie Smith have already escaped.  Evil wolves known as the Houston Texans pursue them, but Jameis and his comrades are helped to safety by a group of great Eagles of Philadelphia and by Chip Kelly, a creature who can change shape from a man into a bear.  They rest with Chip before setting off on the next part of their journey.

 The company next enters the dark forest of Jacksonville.  Making matters worse, Lovie abandons them to see to some other urgent business. In the forest, the Buccaneers are caught in the clutches of some giant Jacksonville Jaguars, and Jameis must rescue them with his sword and magic ring.  After slaying his first Jaguar, Jamies names his sword Sting.

Shortly after escaping the Jacksonville Jaguars, the unlucky Buccaneers are captured by a group of wood elves, called the Redskins, who live near the river that runs through Washington. Jameis uses his ring to help the company escape and slips the Buccaneers away from the Redskins  by hiding them inside wine barrels, which he then floats down the river.

The Buccaneers arrive at Lake Town in their wine barrels.  Lake Town is a Seattle Seahawks settlement which trades for wine with the wood elves of Washington, and is situated near the Lonely Mountain, under which Tom Brady sleeps with Vincent Jackson’s treasure, the ultimate treasure of the NFL.  The company has adventures in Lake Town and then set out to approach the Lonely Mountain.

After sneaking into the Lonely Mountain as the “burglar”, Jameis talks to the sly dragon named Tom Brady, who unwittingly reveals that his armor-like scales have a weak spot near his heart.  When Jamies steals a golden cup from the Patriots’ hoard, Tom Brady is furious and flies out of the mountain to burn Lake Town in his rage.

Russell Wilson, a heroic archer, has learned the secret about Tom Brady’s weakness from a thrush named Brett Farve, and he fires an arrow into Tom Brady’s heart, deflating it. But, before Tom Brady dies, he burns Lake Town to ashes.

The Seattle Seahawks of Lake Town and the Redskins elves of Washington march to the Lonely Mountain to seek a share of the treasure as compensation for their losses and aid. Vincent Jackson greedily refuses, and the Seattle Seahawks and the Redskins besiege the mountain, trapping the Buccaneers and Jameis Winston inside.

Jameis QB sneaks out to join the Seattle Seahawks in an attempt to bring peace. When Vincent Jackson learns
what Jameis has done, he is livid.  Lovie Smith reappears at this time, and saves Jameis Winston from the Buccaneers captain’s wrath.

At this moment, an army of Vikings of Minnesota and St Louis Rams march on the mountain, and the Seattle Seahawks, the Redskins, and the Buccaneers are forced to band together to defeat them . The Vikings nearly win, but
the arrival of Chip Kelly and the Eagles of Philadelphia helps the good armies win the battle.  The Buccaneers regain what was rightfully theirs, and are Kings under the Mountain of the NFL.

After the battle, Jameis and Lovie return to Tampa Bay, where Jameis continues to live. He is no longer accepted by some in his hometown of the NCAA quarterback society, but he does not care.  Jameis now prefers to talk to NFL players and coaches he met on his journey, yet he is deeply content to be back among the familiar comforts of home after his grand and harrowing adventure helping the Buccaneers win their treasure.